How to Cope With Being Stuck in Purgatory

As you may or may not be aware, I recently celebrated my seventeenth birthday.

In the midst of my wild, extravagant birthday celebrations - 

– I had a sudden epiphany:

Being seventeen is actually kind of shit.

If you think about it, every other teen year is accompanied by some kind of privilege or adult responsibility that brings you closer to becoming a fully-fledged adult in society:

But at seventeen, nothing happens. There is no feeling of internal change, no emotional explosion, no rights or privileges bestowed upon you because you are now at an age where you are considered mature enough to handle them.

I feel like I’m in purgatory.

However, not all is lost. As I am a creative, intelligent, and above all, sensible individual, I have used my head and come up with the perfect solution to the problem. 

Reasons One Doesn’t Need Drugs or Alcohol: Reason #57

I have always stood by my conviction that drugs and alcohol are nothing but bad news, and today I am here to appeal to those of you who enjoy making yourselves stupid and fucking with your mental functions to give up the drink and/or drugs, for I have found a cheaper way to get that high you so love:

Exhaustion.

Now, I can proudly say that I have never been drunk or high, but from what I’ve seen/heard/read about it, people who suffer extreme exhaustion behave in remarkably similar ways to people who are off their faces. The other night, I found myself feeling so tired that both my body and mind were having difficulty functioning properly. I was stumbling around, unable to quite see straight, and banging into things. Typing and speech also became a bit of a struggle. Sound familiar? Let me expand, then, on the free, safe fun you can have with exhaustion.

For those of you drunkards out there, exhaustion will give you that familiar feeling of forgetting how gravity works/losing the battle against balance:

You will also experience an inability to formulate sentences correctly, and quite probably end up saying things that don’t quite make grammatical sense and will embarrass you no end once you’ve ‘sobered up’ in the morning, so to speak.

For those of you who enjoy the feeling of being stoned out of your mind, I can safely say that exhaustion will give you hours of fun sitting/standing and staring off blankly into space with only the faintest idea of what the fuck is going on and little to no ability to care:

Whatever your passion, exhaustion will provide you with a variety of fun experiences you would never be able to have while you were fully aware of yourself, your surroundings, and the basic facts of life:

For those of you who dig them ’shrooms, if you’re exhausted enough you will even experience hallucinations, free of charge! Now that’s what I call a good night out.

Nothing beats flying chicken drumsticks, am I right? I’m right, aren’t I? With that in mind, what are you waiting for? Try exhaustion today!